...and I'm on Newgrounds.

Not that I'm adverse to Newgrounds, or the content, or anything else, but rather, I can't really understand WHY I'm online right now in the first place. My Saturday seems to have gone as quickly as it came, and nearly all the precious free time was washed away on the internet. I've been seeing this happen to me again and again, week after week, and frankly, I'm disappointed in myself and the way I've been spending my time.

For instance, being a junior in high school leads itself to a number of responsibilities, such as various tests beyond that of the regular curriculum (SATs, AP Tests, etc), the demand for high grades, and various college woes. Every day I come home with a pile of work due, but I always seem to end up doing it last minute, rushed, and never to the best of my abilities. Instead, I'm on, of all places, the internet, and in general; Newgrounds. Honestly, I've found the unbelievable addition so intense and extreme that it's completely embarrassing to talk about. Yeah, there are plenty of people who spend great deals of time online on their favorite sites, but my addiction seems to reach higher levels every week.

I've already wasted Saturday of this weekend, when I could have been tackling my never-ending assignments or studying for the three tests I have early next week. I could have at least put in an hour or two, which is practically nothing, to give myself at least some kind of boost. What did I do instead? I browsed Newgrounds. For practically the entire day. Hell, I didn't even go outside. That's how bad it is. That's how pathetic it is. Here I am, completely aware of what I'm doing; completely aware I could easily be putting my time to better use, but I don't.

As generic, predictable, and cliché as all this sounds, it's still quite quite bothersome. I continue to dive deeper into the extreme stereotype of "addicted-to-internet" nerd, what with not seeing daylight, spending all my time online, staying up to the wee hours of the morning, etc, etc. Hell, I'm even a BBS moderator. The more I see myself become like this, the more I just want to smack myself on the face and say "WAKE UP! THE INTERNET IS ENTERTAINMENT! IT'S NOT REAL LIFE! GET OFF AND DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!" In fact, I do this quite often, and to no avail.

So, what's keeping me from acting on these intentions? Honestly, I can't really tell you. If I did, I'd be doing something to go against it. Perhaps this is how a serious addiction works; you know what you're doing is wrong (let's compare this to smoking), and you know you shouldn't be doing it, or so much of it, and yet you feel compelled to continue on, unable to shake yourself from past habits. The internet is the only thing I've been so addicted to. I can spend a bunch of hours on a video game, but it doesn't come close to what I spend on the internet, or on Newgrounds. As an addiction that seems comparable (to me) to that of smoking - an addiction which is well documented and which was constantly warned about in grade school - I'm worried. I'm scared.

I'm scared that I won't be able to "quit", and that I won't be able to get offline and STAY offline to be able to really do what I want. I guess me writing this post is somewhat ironic in the sense it's a good chunk of time to rant about something ON NEWGROUNDS, but it helps to say this stuff in some form, whether it be text or out loud. Besides, writing a few paragraphs is nothing compared to the rest of the time I've wasted today. Man, this internet addiction is the real deal.

So, the point of all this so far is to really try and tell myself to stop. To stop using the internet so much, to stop spending all my time here, and to do what needs to be done (No, really?). My last few Sundays have consisted of me wasting my time on the internet until 5:00 PM or so, from which I then move on to worrying and anxiety as I frantically try and get through whatever I have to do. This usually ends up taking much longer than expected, and by the time I get to sleep (after some bickering with my mom) it's past 3:00 AM (I get up at 7 for school). Ugh.

I expect the same is going to happen later today, as I didn't so shit on Friday or Saturday, despite my conscious yelling at me the whole day about getting offline.

So, you might expect, after reading all this, I'm going to shout "I'm leaving!!!" at the very end, and then open this post up for comments from various users ranging from "Oh no", "That sucks, dude", "Haha, faggot", "Hey, here's some advice: [blah, blah, blah]", or whatever. But I'm not leaving. You see, that's the whole point. I'm not going anywhere. I constantly use the internet, and I HAVE to constantly use the internet. No, I won't explode if I don't, but since school work, research and other resources are all online, I'm always going to be on the internet. When I'm always on the internet. I find myself always going to Newgrounds, or Youtube, or any other site (but mainly Newgrounds).

Maybe I need to block Newgrounds using a HOSTS file like I did a while ago (and which kept me off for an utterly pathetic two weeks or so). Maybe I need to ask to be demoderated. I don't know. I don't think I want to do something so extreme, since I don't feel it'll help. I feel I need to practice some more basic self-control, and solve the issue myself. I feel as if I can work out the problem myself, cut back on my internet time, and deal with it accordingly.

Furthermore, I'm fiercely independent, and I don't like asking for help. If I'm in a group situation, I always seem to end up taking the "leader" position, and usually allot myself a gratuitous workload because I feel I'll be the one to do the best job, and because I seem to have an inherent distrust for the quality others work, even if it's perfectly fine. Thus, I feel I can tackle this problem on my own, too.

I've been telling myself that for the past few months, but this is probably the first time I've bothered to speak (or type) freely about it. I've told bits and pieces to some friends, or to my parents, but I don't usually end up trying to explain myself. This time (and I always seem to refer my goals as "this time", "next time"), I really mean it (SURE you do). This time, I'm not going to give up after an hour and think I've got all the time in the world for "a bit" of Newgrounds (which usually evolves into 3 hours like nothing). I guess I should start with my English reading homework. If you see me online, tell me I'm being a complete moron and should get off immediately. Either that, or invent some machine that allows other to smack me over the internet; it would help.

There you have it. A peak into one of the woes of my life, which I've never really talked about much on the internet. Most of my posts on Newgrounds have to do WITH Newgrounds, usually regarding the answer to some question or another boring sort of explanation of the rules. I seem to put out little to no real personality at all, being some kind of walking and posting Newgrounds help-bot.

Well, I am human, and I'm dealing with the same boring problems that a million other kids out there are probably dealing with (now, don't get me started on how I feel I'm going to fall into mediocrity and the mild bouts of depression associated with that, since that's a whole 'nother story). Procrastination, internet addiction, meh. They seem so overdone and blasé. I guess if you've read this whole piece of crap I've arbitrarily decided to spew, perhaps you found something interesting, though. If not, oh well; I wasn't trying my hardest to entertain. I could probably go on even longer, but that probably enough torture for anyone deciding to read this depressing chronicle. I think the first "post mood" icon I've ever used sums up my current situation better than this post does anyway.